"There's basically Nothin" - Here I am in China

Didn't realize how long it had been since I posted. Guess I haven't had much to share. More of the same. To me. To you...well there is no you because I have no fans. I can't write worth a shit, so it's no wonder no one logs on to read my blog. Maybe it's the lack of publicity, but I don't think I have the courage to display that I blog somewhere publicly, such as my Facebook.

The days go by so quickly. I only teach at 川教 3 days out of the week, and then the other two are Elementary School classes. I have one tomorrow bright and early, but today I slept most of the day, and so I won't be going to bed anytime soon. That is unless I take sleeping pills my dad so kindly sent me.

Last week and the week before I was in a great mood. I was confident and feeling pretty and full of energy. I met a lot of people and had fun. I enjoy social gatherings with lots of people...you know...drinking and eating. Now I am on a low-slope. I will just say that. I met someone and it went quickly awrye. Perhaps it was the language barrier, or maybe it was just me being stupid. Anyway, I am not really one to write on a public blog about personal issues, only if I can do such in a discreet way.

I am beginning to understand 四川话。 I cannot speak it, but I can understand more and more of it. It's a lot like 普通话 but words seem more drawn out...almost like an octave lower. I cannot describe the way it sounds, nor can I describe standard Chinese, but I am starting to understand it. And I understand that people, friends my age do nothing about talk about boyfriends and girlfriends and which province has the best looking girls ("Sichuan") and where one can meet guys. It's really annoying. I mean I am boy crazy, but in America, our conversations are not focused on looks and whether we can meet a man to marry before we're 27. Everyone notes how strange it is that Rod, the Englishman, is not married with kids at 42. I have to say this is quite normal.

Suining, China - no man's land

I will further write about my experience in Suining, Sichuan, a medium sized city of 300,000 tucked nicely between Chongqing and Chengdu. 我会在这里当一年的老师, 我学校教四川职业技术学院. I will teach English the remainder of this semester, break all summer, and then teach next semester. I'm here alone.

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Suining is really an interesting place, touched only by Western thought through commercial goods. There is little Western-living they can imitate, as there are no Westerners living here. (Western is such a bad term, but I use it when speaking of, oh I don't want to say it, I guess the developed part of the world. Japan included.) As I have said, I am one of 3...now 4...foreigners in this city. There is Rod Stevenson, an Englishman who spent the past 5 years teaching English in Thailand. Then there's Dahai, a Canadian whose real name is Gilles, but since he is married to a Chinese woman and seems keen on staying-forever in China, we all call him Dahai. Btw, his Chinese is horrendous. And now, there's a black guy named James. I no little about him, only that either his mother or father is from America and the other is from Cameroon. I am not sure what his native language is, but I am pretty sure it is not English. He kept leaving out important verbs in sentences, such as "to be." Then again, that could have been the alcohol.

Okay, now, it is clear I am not a journalist. I have nothing newsworthy to write about. I can only compare 2 cultures - mine and this backward, timewarped China. And my reflections are noteworthy, mind you. Mind you, you haughty Westerner who has flown to Shanghai, to Beijing and to Hongkong. You haughty Westerner who has stayed in 5 Star hotels and experienced only the best delacacies of China with your English-speaking host. (I am joking. But you may be better groomed than I.) I can only afford to live here, and yet my experiences are immense. What I have gained just by seeing China life as it really is can be a lifetime of cultural knowledge for your average person. I do not know what I am trying to say. But the difference of living between here, Suining, and Shanghai is different.

But there are always just your poor, Chinese men. They exist everywhere, and their lives consist of maintaining a living for themselves and their family. (My previous post comments on living-wages in China and the importance of the family when it comes to living.) Today I realized that I haven't recognized him enough...this simpleton...this average fellow. I have not recognized the tri-cycle man with his worn tennis shoes.

Or maybe he has new tennis shoes, shoes that are white and clean and do not seem to match the rest of his tattered outfit and tattered look. His shoes are new and white, and his pants are gray, rolled up, revealing dirty, tanned legs. His fingers are dirty, as he lifts and cigarette to his mouth and scans the crowd. He is looking for a customer. He is looking for a man, woman or child to board his tri-cycle for a 5-10 minute ride. His pay will be 2 yuan.

I have not thought of this man enough. Aye, I am that haughty Westerner. I walk around with my headphones in my ears. I keep a fast pace. And I wear nice clothes...nice clothes that match and could be expensive...I mean they look expensive. That is because I do not go out of my way to be showy or flashy. Chinese people simply do not realize the paradox of the clothes they wear. In wearing expensive looking jewels and lots of colors, they actually look poorer. The need to understand the age old lesson of "less is more." But, as I was saying, this does not matter. This materialism I obsess over does not matter. I need to consider the poor Chinese man more.

and if the man needs to be considered more, the woman certainly does

I'm terribly bad at yoga.

So what did I do today?

I woke up late. Around 8. And caught a cab to the new campus for my "meeting" (for what, I had no idea) with my boss "Jack." Turned out that he wanted to teach me some Chinese, which was much appreciated on my end, as I had only been trying to teach myself out of dictionaries and phrasebooks. I desperately needed the guidance of a fluent speaker. Anyway, I've been studying a great deal - any time I am doing something without using Chinese, I feel a bit bad for it. The question pops into my mind, "Where would a be a year from now or 2 years from now if every free minute I had was spent on studying Chinese?" The answer is - I would be pretty damn far along. And so, when this thought comes to mind, I instantly put down or turn off whatever English-using device I am using (iPod, AIM Chats, books even) in preference for Chinese language tapes or rummaging thought a dictionary.

So after my meeting with Jack, I went to wait for the bus to take me from the New Campus (where his office is and where all my teaching classes are) to the Old Campus (where I live). But while waiting, I ran into "Lemon," an incredibly sweet Chinese girl (aren't they all?) who desperately clings to me and talks to me in her decent English. I have started to speak Chinese more to these people who only want to speak English. I know half the people who come up to me as "good friends" just want to improve theirh English, but I'm tired of catering to people and thinking I should help them by only speaking English. Outside of class, I will do what I originally set out to do - Learn Chinese. And so I will only speak Chinese when outside of class. Too bad for all my new, dear close friends, such as Lemon. how vindictive of me. anyway, i met her and then her friend...whats her face...and they all commented on how good my chinese is (yeah, thanks, no no, thanks), how pretty i am (no no, thanks, no no), how white my skin is, whether I had eaten, and so on. Finally, I figured I had missed the bus, and they invited me to the dining hall with them. They clung to me arm-in-arm, and we three walked to the student dining hall.
Lemon said, "Oh, I think everyone wants to talk to you! You get so many stares because you are foreign and so beautiful!"
Their dining hall is nothign compared to what I am used to at VCU. Their campus is very dull and boring, lacking color or grass or anything vibrant. i feel bad when chinese people ask me what i think of their college. they ask me in a proud way, i can tell, because the campus is new and they want to show off. i always lie and say how beautiful and vast it is - in the city but right beside lovely, rolling hills. This is somewhat true, there are nice hills in the background, but, still the campus is boring, gray and ugly, and their Dining Hall has got to be one of the worst parts. I mean the food is lined up in these ugly gray bins, and piles of food are lined up - vegetables of all sorts, some meat selections, eggs, tofu, etc. The selection is not so bad, the presentation is majorly lacking. As with everything in China. I get my money's worth, but God Damn, it's ugly and ROUGH. The food was served in a small styrofoam, box. We also got rice, and ate in the dingy cafeteria, enduring stares and smirks.

After that, i came home to find my cleaning lady here. I took a nap while she cleaned, and when I woke up, she was still here cleaning. I do not know why she stayed for so long. perhaps she did not want to wake and disturb me. Anyway, when i woke up, i told her...my oh my you've been here a long time. go home! Do you want me to pay you today? She told me "Suibian, you decide how much to pay." Which pissed me off because she had been making Rod pay here 30 yuan each time. I wanted the same deal, especially because my place is smaller than his. Anyway, I offered her a 100 (see, I'm a pushover, always wanting to please other people before myself), and thankfully she turned this down and insisted 80 was all she'd take. Should have been 60, but who am I to turn down such a poor person compared to myself.

Then I went to the gym and tried to get skinny. In the shower room (where you have free reign to look at all the naked Chinese women you want), I noticed I had the best body there. but when i have clothes on, I always feel like i look so fat compared to these little Chinese people. But still, my body is strong and doesn't have fat rolls the way many of these women do. Their asses may be smaller, but they're saggy, same with their stomachs. Small frames but saggy fat rolls. Well, that isn't the case with all of them. I really wish I could be skinny to fit into Chinese dresses.

Anyway, i have so much to say, but i just don't feel like writing or typing. i am find it terribly annoying right now.

So much to do this weekend:

Tomorrow - Go to Tony's Office and WORK ON SCHOOL PLANS
5 - go to Anna's
7 - call Jack to meet me

Saturday -
Meet with students at 1:00
Hang out with Steph and Rod...whatever

Sunday -
11:00 meet with Richie.

And in my free time, I will plan classes and STUDY CHINESE.

Last night, at the gym, I went to yoga class after my mandatory 30-minute run. And I made a stink of myself. I am the least flexible person I know. The poses, the stretching, the breathing and sitting up-right were all just terribly hard on me, and I wanted to give up. But at the same time, I thought of myself as a skinny, flexible ballerina. Agile and suave and sweet and angelic. I want to be like that. I want to be able to bend and twist and sit down and meditate and be comfortable doing this. Instead, I am a strong runner who can do 5 pull-ups and 100 crunches. I can walk on my hands and run really fast. But I cannot touch my hands to my toes, which is really annoying.

So what...

我现在上网。

My computer in my apartment is unfortunately broken. What news. As shared last post, my DVD player, too, is broken. I have other interesting news to share.

Earlier today I realized I desperately needed to keep up with my posts. I cannot stop writing on this thing. I want to write about my short hair and my long fingernails. Never before have such things happen, but now here in China - here where I am an outcast, here where I stand out, here where no one knows me and I'm free to be whatever I want - I've got sharp nails and a chic hair-do (think short haired Natalie Portman and Kiera Knightly). What's more - I do not care that Chinese people think I was "more beautiful" with long hair. Those who saw me with my long here - the first week I was here - are always asking, "Why did you cut your hair? I think, in my opinion, maybe you were more beautiful before." Sod off!

Anyway, enough with beauty. The point of the prior paragraph was not only to talk about my hair but to also point out yet another cultural difference. Does it give you something to reflect on? Not really, I didn't go in depth enough. I suppose I could talk about where I got my haircut (Angel's in Central Business District Area for 10 yuan), who cut my hair (a jolly gay little Chinese boy, no taller than 5'1" with baggy pants and spiky hair), and also about how every customer and worker crowded around my salon-seat to watch the show! But I shall not.

Yes the show! Anything I do is a show, and I realized today the only crowd I like giving a show to is little kids. I do not care that they scream "Laowai laowai Hello! Hello Hello!" and laugh and giggle and get a big kick out of me. I do not care one bit, and, in fact, I am responsive and light-hearted. The same happen with someone else - some dirty old cigarette-smoking peasant - and I scoff and roll my eyes. This is something I need to deal with. Why can I not accept the way the people are?

Anyway, I was telling someone on the phone earlier today that I dislike the Chinese. Then, to the person, I spilled all the reasons I "dislike" the people here. Littering. hacking. poop in street.

Naked baby pees in street.

Smokers. Everywhere.

People which way.

Anyway, but I do not hate Chinese people. I am saying these things, but I believe my reactions are natural, and I will not hinder myself when it comes to my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I must voice my opinions fully.

Anyway, I do not talk bad about Chinese people to their faces. I am all smiles. I am always a cheery smile.

Today I have class, and I should go.

Me. Right now.

Greetings.
I have not posted in a very long time (not that you have been desperately waiting, day and night, by your computer for the next Amy-Derr-Update). I am not so arrogant as to think that.

In fact, now that I've chosen to give regular updates to my G-Blog （Yes, Amy, Dammit, You Will Post), I have happened upon a most unfortunate predicament. My computer - or rather the computer that has been loaned to me - SUCKS and WORKS HORRIBLY.

For example. No "For Example." Simply. It is Chinese. And on top of being puzzled at the character-commands on all sides of the screen, half the time the computer automatically starts typing Chinese characters. And I don't want it to! Their computers' English is just as poor as the people's.
The People's Republic of China is where I am ATM. And for the next year. Ｉarrived...let's see...February 14th, or almost one month ago. Wow! So much has happened. If I were a meticulous writer, keen on every detail, It would take a year to dictate just this past month.

Ｗhat the people look like. So many of them! How they dress. How they act. How I am different. How we became different. How we are raised. So many people. How things look. Why are things so dirty? So many people! Endless shops. Taxis, bicycles, rickshaws. Honestly - I do not think I could come close to truly conveying this...feeling...of just being here walking around.

Anyway, and then there would be my thoughts and reflections. I'd have to write about everything I had thought about from the time getting off the plane until now. At first, there were restless nights when I cursed my decision of coming here. American life was so perfect. These people would do anything to live the life I did. 　<----this a="" am="" and="" back="" became="" better.="" br="" coming="" course="" for="" friendships="" home.="" i="" it="" later="" m="" month="" my="" now.="" now="" of="" rationalization="" right="" s="" the="" then="" there="" things="" tired="" typing="" was="" way="" were="">
Anyway - but I am not a writer and not meticulous, and so I will not give in-depth descriptions of everything I have seen, every thing I have thought, or every passing feeling.

Today is Tuesday, and I have a few hours before my next class begings. My job is teaching English, and I truly feel lucky for having found this job with its benefits. Luck - that is what it is. It isn't the grace of God or being smart or planning anything well. My good fortunes are based on Luck. Beyond that, I am Lucky

Because I believe I am lucky. Anyway, this is my mindframe.

I am a superstar here! I am going to blatantly say it. I am! This is the way my life is here. Here below I will try to communicate my ascension to "stardom."

- I am the only white girl in this city, and I am American.
There! The end! Wow, that was easy to express!

This simple fact carries so much weight. I feel the weight every day in many different ways. Sometimes I feel guilty, I feel bad, I feel annoyed, overwhelmed, happy and mostly Lucky.

Once more, I am not a writer, and so I am not going to go into the different occasions that lead me to feel these different ways. Maybe eventually you will get an example or two out of me. I feel guilty getting on the school bus - the bus that takes us teachers to our college 四川职业技术学院 - and I do not have to pay the bus fee. Merely because I am a foreign teacher.

I feel guilty knowing I am paid 5 times the other teachers' salaries. Merely because I am a foreign teacher.

I feel sad when I go eat my dumplings - every day at the same hole-in-the-wall - and I see the little girl who works there and her scarred and blistered hands. Ｗhy isn't she in school! And constantly, the whole time I eat my dumplings, I am thinking the lines, "我可以教你英文." But if I told her and her family that I can teach her English, I，again, would feel guilty and like an intruding white person.

The accumulation of these feelings does not make me sad though. In fact, I am all-around happy. This poem by Emerson could convey this situation better than I every could:

Why should I keep holiday
When other men have none?
Why but because, when these are gay,
I sit and mourn alone?

And why, when mirth unseals all tongues,
Should mine alone be dumb?
Ah! late I spoke to silent throngs,
And now their hour is come.

well, I am going shopping! Hot tops!