the angel Gabriel was sent from God

Good morning.

This is a pretty grim Saturday, but I guess I have to start somewhere.

Hanging out in Cathedrals is not tied to my line of work, but is just a hobby of mine.
The auto-mechanic told me that it was a 2 hour wait ("at least...and then we want to check the alignment and see if any more work needs to be done") and that they have coffee and apples. He pointed to the granny smiths and the canisters and smiled proudly. "That you do," I replied with a smile. "You can change the channel on the TV, too, if ya want...or are you coming back to pick your car up?" "I"ll stay," I said.

I go my coffee, my apple and left the building in pursuit of what comes next.

I make up stories and I get my ideas from dreams. My dream was the worst imaginable thing to witness, but then a happy ending. My bird's-eye view of the town captured the rupturing tidal wave that destroyed my family's house. The homes and beautiful sequoia trees were all covered by a wave that made its way toward me, at the top of the mountain I had hiked. I dashed to the highest point and watched he wave engulf the town below me. The wave then descended back into the sea, and in no time, I sprinted down the mountain and to my family's home to find the house perfectly in-tact. They were still alive.

200 meters from the VA Tire and Auto is a cathedral. I told myself that I am to go to the largest Gothic cathedral in the world and sit in the pews and say Hail Mary's. Francis of Assisi never made plan ever and he liked to see where each day took him. I sit in the immense church looking up at the crucifix and the tabernacle, and I just have the desire to touch it. I can't bring myself to go to any type of church besides a catholic one.

No one is in the church, and I think of the poor souls in the waiting room. All huddled together, sipped out of their cups with the Virginia Tire & Auto logo, half-concerned about Jersey Shore or some other reality TV nonsense. I pray for them. Then, I pull out my notebook, and I plot.

No one is in the church, which is upstairs, but there is a charity drive or something going on downstairs. I simply walked right into the church and found a comfy spot at one of the pews where I could sit in serenity. There is no more serene indoor place as an empty church. No library can touch it. An elderly woman sits in a pew way on the other side. She has bags with her. Another man in a red sweater walks in after she leaves. After 30 minutes, I notice he has his hands over his eyes, as though he might be crying. We are the only two souls in the whole church at this point.

"post-modern"

I don't think it's a bad thing to strip yourself of everything you detest but put up with before only because other people like those things. For instance, the talk show, the media, and the pop culture. Sometimes one is anachronistic and belongs in another decade - in my case it is that I belong in another century. To be exact, I belong in the prior century. I would not mind having been born 100 years ago and being 32 in 1918. Like, on that note, why the hell aren't we celebrating the end of World War I?

WHY AREN'T WE CELEBRATING THE END OF WORLD WAR I?
WHY AREN'T WE CELEBRATING THE END OF WORLD WAR I?
WHY AREN'T WE CELEBRATING THE END OF WORLD WAR I?
WHY AREN'T WE CELEBRATING THE END OF WORLD WAR I?

Why can't I get this chant out of my mind? The townspeople were all around here with pitch forks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vkfpi2H8tOE

1/54000th of my year

Here's a bit of 2018 - random diary entry I cut and pasted.

last night during spinning i decided to zone out, not that i don't normally zone out, but i decided to really pursue the "zone." that meant, of course, that i wasn't applying myself in either speed or strength on the stationary cycle, nor was i paying attention to the boom boom beat.

What i was doing was looking through the mirror in front of me at the men in the gym behind the spinning classroom. none of them were cute, and in fact all were overweight, aside from a few buff guys who were tatted up. But then i saw one guy...one tall ginger with dark brown eyes (this was him through the mirror and i can't be sure his eyes were brown), and he looked like someone I once dated only taller.  I stared at him for minutes and lost myself in his strength as he picked up and released the dumbbell then went at it again. I swear he was looking at me too, but I also realized "no...how would that be possible, he can't see into the spinning room...he can only see his reflection." 

Then, finally spinning class ended, and I realized I had the chance to look at him not through a reflection but in the flesh and blood, and his flesh was very sweaty. I was the first one out of the exercise room, and I took to the ab machine with gusto. He walked straight past me to the water fountain, and as he walked past, he looked at me. I just could not look at him. His face in my peripherals looked so dreamy and much like a face I once knew, and that just made me feel sad. And I still feel sad. He started dead squats on the other side of the room.

It's unfair to go on but i must. last night I told myself that i would allow myself to feel everything that I had to and I would allow myself to space out when i needed to...I won't try so hard to not be me in other words.

But then later in 2018, months and months later, I realized that I could not deal with the anger and resentment I felt for myself for having taking on what I take on, and I just had to check out and have the drink that numbs you. Next time I feel tired of everything in life, instead of numbing myself, I think I will choose to face the horror of reality head on. It merely means a night of shear and utter panic - something I'm not not akin to.I imagine myself pacing, my stride being more than my meager house can bare, and then me taking that forceful stride outside. I'll find myself thinking of something else eventually, and I'll stop hating everything until I am flung back into it all again.

THE FEELING - I can't stop cursing and saying "god damn" out loud. i need to get a new job and a new career, or to become a "career woman" you'll have to live the rest of your life (aka the next year or so until you meet someone else) with the notion that you've missed out. Dont know what happened between you and these beings, but you should not hate them so much. We are all deeply flawed, after all. 

I've hearkened on something new

Couldn't really figure out how to use that word, but I am absolutely certain it's the one I wanted to use. It's like the moments I want to use convivial jovality to describe that one person whose presence I could bask in all the live-long day. Insert obligatory sentence about how I will begin to blog again. This is the only website I have for personal thoughts, and so, with this blog, I will "make remarks" and "give observations" about my life as a "32"-year-old woman living and working in Northern Virginia. I think my days go by just as many of my coworkers' - so fear not - for I notice not everyone to be a bundle of joy, and there is a sombre atmosphere in a great deal of places. But Las Vegas is the one place I found to be exciting, gorgeous, and filled with happy people. I realize that I am going to have to find other vacation spots as equally beautiful and exciting - I can forever say goodbye to vacationing in Appalachia, Virginia Beach (tried it once, yuck), or in some other foothill within an hour's drive. I think I am going to have to go to New York very soon in order to keep up the optimism and the cheer.

今天我要来说是我最近学到的东西

我最近的生活和一年以前特别不一样。 我现在的生活和六个月以前也完全不一样。 对我来说，我现在的生活是有点理想的。 当然有很多方面我想变，但是我慢慢在注意到我心里真的想要的是什么样的生活。 难怪我在老家的时候我那么郁闷。 我那时郁闷的样子是因为我没有工作， 但是也是因为我那时对我自己的状态不太满意。 我那时的习惯是不理想的。 但是我没法控制我自己因为我没有一个很好的工作， 一个很好的让我自己不想想坏事的事情。

因为我现在有工作， 一切是好一些，但是我还是想要的更多。 我想要的更多的工作职责， 也想要更多的两个方面的知识。一个当然是中文和德语知识， 第二是技术和工作专业知识。 我在想，我应该不应该学习Python oder Java, 等等。 第三个是我个人私人的问题，但是当时没法解决。说实话，我是真的想解决我单独性的问题吗？ 我有点喜欢我这样单独。 我也喜欢我新的健康的生活样子。 如果有其他人在我生活里，我能实现我的梦吗？

我有时候觉得我自己在坐井观天。如果我能更有自信，我能做得到更多的事。我不能有这么窄的展望。

展望前程，信心百倍。

坐井观天是一个我前天学到的成语。 意思是: look at the sky from the bottom of a well; to have a very narrow view.

这是一个画家叫做David Brody. 我工作在thegreatcourses.com 然后他给我们做了一节课叫"How to Draw." 这是他以前画的一种画。说是话，我满喜欢他的风格。有点淫秽(yinhui) 但是同样的是他画的颜色都让我感觉很舒服。 有些同事不喜欢这种画但是我特别能欣赏。

Living takes place

I’ve moved into a big house, and I share it with a family (friends from China) that lives upstairs. There is the woman, Fern, Fern’s daughter, and then Fern’s mother. Three generations of women in one big house. Oh, and I cannot forget to mention Fern’s newborn – the baby was born on July 5, two days after I arrived. I witnessed the childbirth and spent my birthday in the hospital. What a most unorthodox first few days in Northern Virginia.

Most of the house is not used, and the parts that are used are used in ways I see as ridiculous and absurd. For example, there are empty showcases in the master bedrooms and throughout the house, an unused swimming pool in this July heat, and a bed made of doors on the living room floor that is slept on by Fern, Fern’s daughter, and Fern’s mother. The newborn’s crib is just beside this bed. I think they will move upstairs and all sleep in the upstairs Master bedroom when the baby is a few months old. And then there is me in the basement, for I am American and the only one in this house that speaks fluent English. I have set up the basement to my American liking. Another detail -- the milk spoils regularly in this house, I surmise, and the jugs are not rinsed out.

The newborn will grow up speaking just as I do, but the woman’s daughter, Shae, only moved here last August. She will be in 2^nd grade when the new school year beings. The grandmother may know nothing beyond “hello”, of that I am almost certain. "Sorry", "no", and "okay" are met with blank stares. I've never tested  her on hello, but I do like to give people credit. Fern speaks a bit of English, but not enough to let the lawnmowers know that they broke a pipe in the front yard and that the pipe must be replaced (I had to do that this morning). They were very happy with my ability to communicate this to the lawnmower. I didn’t see the exchange between me and the goggled man as much at all.

“Hey! Hey!” ::arms flailing, on the front yard, in PJs::

“Yes, miss?” ::fast paces toward me, donning a whistling weedwacker::

“Look at this pipe. The cap is missing and the pieces are shattered.”

“Oh, no problem. Let me cover it with an orange cone and then we will come back next Thursday and fix it.”

“Okay, thank you!”

::praise me, praise me, high five, good job::

Northern Virginia Impressions

New to the area and a new life with a new car and a new apartment. I love it here, and even though I am not much of an asset to society as of yet, I do have purpose. I also have menial wages but with room to grow and a newfound gusto that did not so much as exist in Bristol. I feel like I am on my own, and things are going to turn out okay.

I live in Great Falls, Virginia and with a very well-to-do family I'm friends with, but Great Falls is, in fact the wealthiest county in the state of Virginia. Not many people in Great Falls rent houses and the houses are owned by families in Northern Virginia who want to tuck themselves away from the urban madness that is Northern Virginia. I have not heard wonderful things about Northern Virginia, or the entire DC metropolitan area, for that matter. People come here for work and for the money, and after having lived abroad for many years, I have alas been spoiled by public transportation. As a whole, if you are coming back to the states from having lived abroad and want more of the same vibe that you had while abroad, I would not recommend Northern Virginia. For my wandering sentiment, I would choose remote countryside and teleworking or else going from neat city to neat city for year to year. But, if you are in need of a job and income, then Northern Virginia can be your place. Getting around and making friends is nearly impossible though.

我已经在北弗吉尼亚有了不长的时间，但是我已经觉得我生活进入了一个新的一段。 的确我是没有真正的工作但是我有点收入也有点有意义的是我在干。 我能工作，但是需要时间， 需要提高我自己的能力和修改一些东西。然后一切就会放松一些。 我已经感觉到比在我在Bristol 的时间好的超级多。 说实话，我比较开心。

Ich bin neue hier in Nord Virginia aber mit neues Auto und neues Wohnung. Ich liebe es heir, und obwohl ich habe keine wirkliche Arbeit, ich habe etwas zu tun und ein bisschen Einkommen. Ich fühle mich wohl und das ist viel besser as früher in Bristol. Alles werde okay sein.