Here's a bit of 2018 - random diary entry I cut and pasted.
last night during spinning i decided to zone out,
not that i don't normally zone out, but i decided to really pursue the
"zone." that meant, of course, that i wasn't applying myself in
either speed or strength on the stationary cycle, nor was i paying attention to
the boom boom beat.
What i was doing was looking through the mirror in front of
me at the men in the gym behind the spinning classroom. none of them were cute,
and in fact all were overweight, aside from a few buff guys who were tatted up.
But then i saw one guy...one tall ginger with dark brown eyes (this was him
through the mirror and i can't be sure his eyes were brown), and he looked like someone I once dated only taller. I stared at him for minutes and lost myself in his strength
as he picked up and released the dumbbell then went at it again. I swear he was
looking at me too, but I also realized "no...how would that be possible,
he can't see into the spinning room...he can only see his reflection."
Then, finally spinning class ended, and I realized I had the chance to look at
him not through a reflection but in the flesh and blood, and his flesh was very sweaty. I was the first one
out of the exercise room, and I took to the ab machine with gusto. He walked straight past me to the water fountain, and as he walked past, he looked at me. I just could not look at him. His
face in my peripherals looked so dreamy and much like a face I once knew, and that just made me feel sad. And I still
feel sad. He started dead squats on the other side of the room.
It's unfair to go on but i
must. last night I told myself that i would allow myself to feel everything
that I had to and I would allow myself to space out when i needed to...I won't
try so hard to not be me in other words.
But then later in 2018, months and months later, I realized that I could not deal with the anger and resentment I felt for myself for having taking on what I take on, and I just had to check out and have the drink that numbs you. Next time I feel tired of everything in life, instead of numbing myself, I think I will choose to face the horror of reality head on. It merely means a night of shear and utter panic - something I'm not not akin to.I imagine myself pacing, my stride being more than my meager house can bare, and then me taking that forceful stride outside. I'll find myself thinking of something else eventually, and I'll stop hating everything until I am flung back into it all again.
THE FEELING - I can't stop cursing and saying "god damn" out loud. i
need to get a new job and a new career, or to become a "career woman"
you'll have to live the rest of your life (aka the next year or so until you
meet someone else) with the notion that you've missed out. Dont know what
happened between you and these beings, but you should not hate them so much. We are all deeply flawed, after all.
